the point is lost when you have to dream awake
by SlimyBunny
Summary: Five truths that Serena Van der Woodsen doesn't like to tell. Serena-centric. Spoiler-Free


Truth: Serena Van der Woodsen abandons people.

The first time it happens, she's nine.

Lilly marries a Klaus for the first time, and he wants them to be a family (_just call me Papa K_), but only if they are in the Alps.

Serena rolls her eyes and asks Papa K if they're going to be forced to learn the Sound of Music as well, but Lilly just nods with stars in her eyes and lets out a breathy 'yes', and Eric offers his mother an inhaler.

When they leave the Non-Judging Breakfast Club is there to see her off; Chuck in the background, nodding his goodbye after assuring her that his father's P.I. was already trying to find some dirt on Papa K; Blair hugging her tightly with tears in her eyes, promising that until Chuck's source found something she would write her every day; Nate standing in front of her, peering at her with his blue eyes hardened, refusing to speak.

_(She thinks of his hand wrapped around hers when they went strolling through Central Park last week, and how he'd bought her an ice-cream cone and stuttered as he told her that he'd liked her for the longest time, and asked her to be his girlfriend. She thinks of how she'd giggled and nodded yes, but made him promise not to tell their friends yet because they both knew that Chuck and Blair would be weirded out. She thinks of how she'd cried when her mother had come and told her that they would need to move, and how he was the first person she had called and how they were supposed to have their first date tomorrow, and how she'd planned to let him kiss her under the wooden sign hanging over the Corner Café. She thinks of all this, and for a second she's tempted to run away and never leave, but she's nine—big enough to realize how large the world is but small enough to be unable to fill it. So she thinks of all this, then turns around and heads towards the helicopter.)_

Five months later, Lilly decides to wait for the divorce papers in Manhattan instead of the wintery mountains. The Non-Judging Breakfast Club is there to greet her. Chuck stands in the background, a new scarf billowing around his neck with a slightly peeved expression on his face, Blair stands with a bright grin while waving frantically at her, Nate stands with his blue eyes burning a hole into her, and BlairandNate stand next to each other, hands clasped tightly.

Oh, Serena thinks.

_Oh._

The second time Serena leaves is when she is twelve.

Lilly marries another Claus; different spelling, but overall he's the same guy. This time, Claus's passion is for marine biology and not skiing so they don't have to move quite as far away.

One day, Lilly comes in with "The Look" in her eyes, the one that's part clinically insane and part mentally handicapped, and Serena's hands automatically reach for her hot pink Barbie suitcase like one of Pavlov's dogs. They're going to Rhode Island, Lilly says, so that Claus can be near a special breed of sea horses. Maybe, Lilly adds dreamily, they'll even be able to spend more time with Cece, and wouldn't that be nice?

This time there isn't much protest from Serena, partly because she's afraid of her mother's mental breakdown, and partly because she's not quite sure what she's staying for. It all sounds horrible of course; because Serena knows that she's very lucky. She has great friends who've affectionately dubbed themselves the 'Non-Judging Breakfast Club' after Chuck tapped Nate's butt-cheeks together, she's the most popular girl in middle school simply because her hair is the shiniest and her wallet the heaviest, and Carter Baizen who's all the way in _high school_ has been flirting with her all week.

She knows all this, she adores all this, but she's still not quite sure what she's supposed to stay for.

So she gets onto a plane, this time with less fan-fare, and jets off to live at the Rhode Island Estate.

(This time Blair sends fewer letter, Chuck's P.I. is assigned to more pressing cases, and Nate's eyes don't burn as bright. Serena pretends not to notice.)

.

This time they come back to New York not because of a divorce, though Claus is suspiciously missing but Lilly just dismisses it with a wave of her hand and a breezy mutter about Claus's love of seahorses (Serena's young but she's still pretty sure that you're supposed to love your spouse more than a fish that isn't even really a fish?), but because of Serena's grandmother.

It started with a snide comment a week into Serena's arrival when Lilly had complained to her mother about one of her poodle's defecating in Lilly's designer handbag.

_(Lilly had asked if Cece had needed to keep so many dogs around, exasperated and rolling the frosty blue eyes that were infamous for breaking men's hearts (a gift from her mother which Lilly secretly resented)._

"_Of course dear. These bitches are so much easier to train than you and Carol." Cece smiled serenely.)_

It had only gone downhill after that, and Serena supposes that she should be upset at her family's extent of dysfunction, but secretly she was just highly amused.

Needless to say, Lilly was not. So she had given Claus an ultimatum, come with us, or don't. Of course, Claus had chosen his beloved sea creatures over them, but that didn't faze Serena (that much) or Lilly (at all) who had just tucked a strand of blonde hair back into her perfect chignon, placed her sunglasses onto her nose, and gave her third husband two light kisses to either side of his face, before leaving him with her mother at the estate.

The third time she leaves his name is Harry and his passion was art (one sashay down the aisle closer to Rufus Humphrey).

The break up occurs when Harry realizes that he's gay and asks Lilly for a divorce out of courtesy and respect, so that he can quickly get around to banging the new art critic.

It's the same cycle; rinse and repeat.

Except once.

The eighth time she leaves (and she knows this because she's kept a tally underneath her bed like prisoners do) she's not being taken away, she's running away.

Blood, sweat, grime, drugs, hidden cameras, and not-so-hidden desires propel her forward as she flees the scene of her crime(s).

(_And shh, don't tell Gossip Girl but here's the part that no one knows. For a week after she arrives at boarding school she sits by her phone and gnaws at her nails until she tastes the salt of her blood. She wonders if the boys at school have been teasing Eric and if Chuck has died from an overdose (she sees Pete's body lying there, unmoving, except now she sees Chuck's face and _oh God, not him too). _She thinks of Blair all the time, can see her red eyes as she curls into herself and pretends that her father's still at home, that he loved her enough to give up this piece of himself for her, and she has umpteenth conversations with her in her head (B, I think I killed someone) where Blair stands before her and fixes things, fixes _her, _(okay, here's what we're going to do). She thinks of Nate not at all (except she dreams; dreams of gasps, and moans, and shirts, and champagne kisses). _

_ And for a week she rocks back and forth, itching hands (each phone number is seared into her mind) squashed tightly beneath her, as she wonders which one hurts the most. _

Truth: Serena Van der Woodsen knows that is wrong to keep on abandoning people she loves, but despite that she's always disappointed when no one comes looking for her.

Truth: People abandon Serena Van der Woodsen too.

She watches the boy she loves love someone else.

(He breaks her heart with his eyes.)

Some days she thinks she's forgotten him. She wakes up and he's not there. She brushes her teeth and he's not there. She gets dressed and he's not there. She eats her breakfast and he's not there, and she thinks that, finally, she's going to be okay. But then he passes her in a hallway, or she smells his cologne, or she sees herself in the mirror with him reflected in her face, and suddenly she remembers. She remembers his shoulder and the slope of his neck and his laugh and his skin and that stupid mole on the underside of his right forearm.

She remembers everything.

Truth: He doesn't stay. Take this how you will.

Truth: Serena Van der Woodsen is not loved.

Daniel Humphrey looks her in her eyes, and for the first time in Serena's life, it seems like someone likes what they see.

It's only after that she realizes what he's seeing isn't her.

Still, he looked and that's enough; it's got to be.

So she tries, _tries_ to be the girl he thinks she is. She loves Brooklyn and taking the bus and Vanessa and her raggedy Ann clothes. She thinks Jenny is adorable and was just confused when she tried to screw over her best friend and little brother. And she finds the Humphrey flat to be warm and charming. She agrees with Dan that Blair is pretentious, and money doesn't matter and she doesn't notice that her backpack is roughly the same price as half of his closet, _honest. _She hates that her name means something and can open doors that a Humphrey's will never be able to, no matter how far they climb. She pretends that the 'them' and 'us' line is drawn with her and Dan on the same side instead of opposites. She smiles and listens to his little sister bitch about what she had coming and plays guitar hero with his judge-y best friend, and pretends that she doesn't realize that Dan's infuriatingly self righteous sometimes, and she is nice _all the fucking time._

But it's still not enough.

(The story goes like this:

Once (and this is the part that she tells Blair, FYI) she and Dan are walking down the street hand in hand like a Hallmark greeting card when Dan sees one of his favorite authors. Needless to say there are a lot of tears and exclamations and hand gesturing—really, it was embarrassing. But here's the catch: the guy doesn't turn around. So here's Dan, arms waving and hollering at the top of his lungs, right? But the guy must not hear him, because he just keeps on walking and doesn't even look back. But then she turns, since she wants to see why her boyfriend's squawking like he belongs in Animal Farm, you know? And maybe there's like…a moment, or _something_, where her hair catches the light and kind of gives off a glint (she has really fantastic hair) that catches that guy's eye, and next thing you know, he's running across the street and almost gets hit by a bus because what do you know? He's one of Lilly's friends, and he always comes to their house when Lilly throws one of her huge Christmas parties. Here's where it gets kind of awkward because Serena doesn't remember his name that well. It's not like she's stupid or anything, it's just that she has a thing about names, okay? But Dan apparently knows his name (Peter) and is fan of his books, so everything's great, right? Wrong. Because apparently Dan has kind of a jealous streak, but instead of it being for her it seems kind of directed at her, and isn't that just the gayest thing you've ever heard? But anyway, Dan rallies and keeps trying to talk to Peter about his latest book but it seems like all he wants to talk about is 'remember last year when Lilly set the turkey on fire?' and 'my, oh, my Serena, you've grown up a lot since I last saw you'. Except Serena doesn't want to talk to this guy, Dan's growing red in the face, and Peter keeps 'my, oh my-ing' at her chest, and it's all just _painfully_ awkward.

This is the part she chooses to omit:

Later when Peter finally leaves, Dan jerks his hand out of Serena's.)

Things keep happening and then one day they're locked in an elevator and it's hot and she promised Blair that she'd be there early for Chuck-patrol and she just really wants to get out. It's really as simple as that in Serena's mind. But then he mentions her name and the lights turn on and people scramble to help her and Dan looks like he's just gotten rickrolled. Suddenly he's waving his arms and bringing up 'past issues' of class and money and she raises her voice because weren't their past issues just that he thought she cheated and he couldn't put up with her wild child past?

Apparently not.

Serena, Serena; he's sorry, he's sorry.

Truth: no one loves Serena Van der Woodsen.

(That's all there is to say, isn't it?)

Truth: Serena Van der Woodsen is not beautiful.

It happens like a big run-on sentence:

He grabs her leg and she falls onto his lap and he looks at her, and into her, and a kiss is long overdue since he was hers first, if only for a second, so he jumps in and she follows and as her tongue tangles with his and his hands pull at her dress, she keeps thinking that she shouldn't be doing this, but then she opens her eyes and all she can see is her Nate, the Nate of summer romances and birthday cupcakes and bagel shops on fifth avenue, who had held her hand when her father(s) left her and who clumsily made up two beds next to his when Lilly disappeared again even though Anne insisted that he let the help do it, because he knew that Serena hated tight corners and starched pillows and he wasn't sure if the maids would understand—she sees him as Nate, part of the epic story that is Nate and Serena, and she can't help but feel that _because_ it's Nate it'll be alright., so she pulls him closer, allows his hands to roam under her dress, permits herself to moan, and nods when he pulls out a condom.

The whole time she looks at his blue eyes, and she just knows that this is right, right right.

When it's over she slumps against him, still straddling him, and he gently kisses her forehead, brushing her sweat away with his soft lips. His hands run over her spine causing her to shiver, and he places his shirt over her tanned shoulders. Finally, he pulls back, and his blue eyes look into her soul, and she is sure that he's going to tell her that he loves her.

"God Serena, you're so fucking sexy."

So she pulls his shirt close together in front of her, jumps off his lap, and bolts out the door.

She knows then that it wasn't right; it was wrong, wrong, wrong.

Sometimes, and she can never admit this out loud because she knows that a million people would skewer her for being so ungrateful, she looks at Blair's delicate features and petite frame always covered in some form of lace, and envy comes and wraps itself around her neck until she can't breathe anymore.

Sometimes, she closes her eyes and wishes all of it away, her golden hair, her breasts, her legs, until all that's left is Serena Van der Woodsen, and her prince will come and he'll see her, just a plain girl with plain hair and a plain body, and he'll think that she's beautiful.

Truth: Serena Van der Woodsen doesn't know if she's beautiful or not; nobody's bothered to look.

Truth: Serena Van der Woodsen is a monster.

Lilly doesn't call often when Serena's at boarding school. (There was a call once, two days after she settled in, explaining how she was incredibly busy with the PTA and the thousands of little causes that she would pick up so she probably wouldn't be able to call for a while.) But one day, the headmistress calls Serena into her office and tells her that her mother is on the line.

"Serena," Lilly's voice travels through the airwaves and reaches her in a discombobulated mess.

A sniffle, then again, voice even smaller this time, "Serena."

"Yes?"

"Eric's…" her mother clears her throat, "Eric's in the hospital. Apparently he tried to commit suicide last night, but thankfully Maria found him in time and called 911." Except for the slight tremor at "suicide" Lilly sounds like she's rattling off ingredients on a recipe.

Here's the kicker, the part of the story that no one knows and the one thing even worse than Pete: Serena knew that the boys were bullying in Eric at school. She had held his hand to keep it from trembling as they walked up the Met steps. She'd combed his hair back into its original shape when they rode home together. She'd stood in front of Eric to shield him from his classmate's words and objects. She had seen it all, and then she had left anyway.

"Well," _(oh God, oh God, oh God, is he okay? How is he now? Are you with him? Can I talk to him? Is he okay? What happened? Why did it happen? Is he okay? Did he say anything? Where were you when this happened? How could you let it happen? What kind of parent are you? Who did this to him? How did you not notice the signs? Oh God, is he okay?) _"I'm glad the staff is so proficient."

Hand brisk and efficient, she crams all that she owns into a little suitcase. Then she unpacks it all again, hands trembling all the while.

One day, after NateandBlair become Nate and Blair because there was no room for a Chuck (for a Serena) otherwise, Serena sits with her best friend and strokes her hair.

"I wanted this for so long, and now it's gone for good," Blair whimpers.

Serena kisses the cheeks streaked with saltine tears (it tastes like _you take everything from me_ and _that was before I found out you slept with my best friend_ and _you knew Serena, and you didn't even call_).

She hopes that thoughts work through osmosis and thinks: you're good enough with all her might so that maybe (_what's you is me_) Blair can hear it.

Probably not.

What feels like years later, there will be an ultimate showdown between good and evil (different packages of evil). Serena will have to wield everything she's learnt and come down upon sin packaged in leather and copious eyeliner.

"Lying to Dan like that? Who do you think you are Sarah?"Serena screams, her voice drawling out 'Sarah' with contempt. "God G, you're such a fucking psycho." She hurls in her face, retracting every sleepover, party, and shared line of cocaine.

"But S," Georgina's eyes sparkle with false(real) tears, "I just followed your lead."

(Back when Serena loved Dan, she would tell him stories.

"Once upon a time," she'd breathe into his ear, "I broke the world apart and everyone's heart with it. Now I'm just trying to put it back together again."

He had applauded her, stars in his eyes and phantom words about a shining girl redeeming herself making his hands twitch.

His stories were always better than any that she has to offer, so she bites her tongue and doesn't tell him: I'm trying to put the world back together, and everyone's heart with it, but it just keeps splintering apart again because some things cannot be undone.

"Either way," she thinks (she fears), "you'll see.")

Truth: Svetlana will always follow Savannah; Serena doesn't know how she forgot that.

When they have one of their little spats, Blair criticizes how she flits from man to man, place to place, style to style, trying to find who she is. (_God S, stop trying to reinvent yourself; Dorota agrees that it's only for the weak-minded or the poor._) But Blair has always been so sure of who she was and what she wanted, so she doesn't get it, because:

Truth: It sucks being Serena Van der Woodsen.


End file.
